What would it be like to?
by idioticonion
Summary: James always knew that Barney's greatest weakness was curiosity.


What would it be like to…?

**1. Fly**

1980

Loretta Stinson had dreaded this day for almost five years. The phone call had sent her into a panic - running from a job she was close to losing already, all the way to the hospital and Barney's bedside. When she saw that he was very much alive and well, apart from a broken leg, Loretta sagged with relief.

"What the hell happened?" She raged at the babysitter. James shrank back, hiding behind the huge bed and taking little Barney's hand in his own. Loretta modified her tone a little but the anger still buzzed through her.

"I just turned my back for a second, I swear!" The sitter said.

Loretta grit her teeth, grabbed the useless girl by the shoulder and steered her out of the ward before reaming her a new one. If only Loretta didn't need the flighty bimbo so badly! But the girl was cheap, and pretty reliable compared to the others.

When she'd sent the girl off, Loretta made her way back to her son's bedside, wincing at the huge white cast which seemed far too big for her five-year-old's leg. She smiled as she heard James's serious voice, mimicking the tone she herself used when she was chiding his brother.

"You know that you can't fly without wings, Barnaby. You're not stupid!"

"But- but, _James_…"

"Curiosity killed the cat!"

"Then it's lucky I'm not a cat! Ha!"

Loretta had to laugh at the look of triumph on her youngest boy's face.

**2. Have sex**

1998

"I just want it over with. I'm twenty-three. It's embarrassing."

James shook his head. "Barney…"

"I can't stand it, James. Not a day longer. Not an hour longer."

James wished to god that Barney was there with him and not at the other end of a phone-line. "You said you wanted to wait until you got married."

"Her idea, not mine."

James sighed. He knew he couldn't really empathise with what Barney was going through. He'd lost his virginity at 16, which had been a stupid mistake. And in a secret place in his heart he wondered if that was why sex had never meant that much to him, never felt very satisfying and was even a bit disgusting.

"That's it, I'm going to a hooker!" Barney shouted down the phone.

"Barney, your first time should be special," James said, feeling like a hypocrite. "And anyways, you're the one who always says that women in the sex industry are totally exploited."

There was silence on the other end of the phone.

"Just jerk off the frustration, buddy."

"Are you kidding?" Barney spluttered. "Because seriously, if I did that any more than I already am, I'm in danger of pulling it off completely."

James laughed. "What brought this on, anyway?"

"Oh, this guy, came into the coffee shop today. You know, total suit-wearing jerk. He talked about Shannon like she was just any bimbo. Like women were nothing but sexual playthings. And then... and then... I was just so angry and I wanted to kiss her… claim her… make her mine. You know? Show him that he's wrong! It's_ time_, you know?"

James shook his head. His brother was such a dork sometimes. "Barney, if you feel that strongly then you should talk to her."

More silence.

"Barney?"

"Yeah…"

"Promise me you'll talk to Shannon?"

"Tomorrow. This weekend. Definitely before we get on the bus next week. Perhaps I'll talk to her _on_ the bus? It's gonna be a long journey. But what if she gets mad at me? James, I can't stand another two years of this!"

"Talk to her tonight."

Barney sighed. "Maybe."

"Don't you chicken out on me, Barnaby!"

"I'll think about it. Thanks James."

"No problem, Bro."

James stared at the phone, shaking his head. He really hoped those two crazy kids worked it out.

**3. Kill a man**

2002

Barney's hand shook because he was trembling and it threw off his aim. He tried not to - tried to imagine he was back at the shooting range and the man in front of him was just a paper target with black circles on it - but this was a real life human being. A real life, really big, really mean looking…

"You're not gonna shoot…" The man growled. He had a knife. When Barney closed his eyes, he imagined what that knife would do to him if he let the guy get any closer. His palms were sweating. What if he dropped the gun?

The man took a step forward, his fist tightening around the knife.

"Don't come any closer!" Barney squeaked. He knew what the man wanted - the silver briefcase under his bed. Where was his panic button? What was the point in having a panic button if you couldn't find it in a panic?

_Calm down_, he thought, forcing himself to take slow, even breaths. His heart hammered in his ribcage. This didn't look good.

"You're not gonna shoot…" The man kept moving forward.

Barney closed his eyes briefly, braced himself for the recoil and pulled the trigger.

He'd never been more frightened in his life than he was in that moment, never more exhilarated. As the man crumpled to the floor with a bullet wound in the centre of his forehead (because he was a totally awesome shot) Barney began to shake violently.

Before the body had even stopped twitching, Barney was half way to the bathroom to throw up.

Bent over the toilet and heaving, the only two thoughts that ran through his head were that he needed to move, as soon as possible, preferably to a place with kick-ass security.

And secondly, that he owed James big-time for persuading him to buy that gun.

**4. Fall in love**

2008

Barney threw Sam over his back and ran around the living room, the two-year-old screaming with delight as he narrowly avoided the Christmas tree.

Tom leaned over to James with a goofy grin and said, "You know, I swear that Sam looks more and more like Barney every day."

James nodded, turning to kiss him on the cheek. "There's probably some weird, biological osmosis going on there…"

Tom threw his arm around his husband's shoulder. "I have no idea what that means, due to the amount of eggnog that I have now consumed! But if there's anyone who's less likely to willingly become a father than your brother, then I'd like to meet him!"

James didn't laugh. His handsome features twisted into a frown.

Tom pinched his shoulder. "Hey, what's with the face? Spill, Stinson!"

James gave Tom a wan smile. "My boy's in love…"

Tom almost spat out his eggnog. "What? With who?"

"Robin Scherbatsky."

"The skinny Canadian bit?"

"That's his honey."

Tom tried to reconcile this new information with everything he knew about his husband's brother and failed dismally. Oh, it wasn't that Barney had no heart - he was the most selfless and generous person Tom had _ever_ met. He'd done so much for them! He was pretty sure that Barney Stinson would give him the Prada shirt off his back.

No… it was just that he'd always been so sneering of marriage, of monogamy.

"Problem is," James said sadly. "She told him she's just not that into him."

"Wow…" Tom replied. "Killer. That must be pretty hard on him."

James nodded. "You have no idea."

**5. Have somebody love you back**

2015

"What about him?" Robin nodded at a young guy sitting on his own at a table nearby. They were sitting in a classy wine bar, shooting the breeze and Barney had just told her an incredibly dirty story (in a voice loud enough to be heard by the next table) involving a length of rope, two couples and some ice cream. Now they were playing a game of "who can we trick into recreating that scenario."

Barney scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Raise the bar already, Scherbatsky." He looked around, indicating a (admittedly) smoking hot man dressed in a leather jacket who was leaning against the bar.

She whistled appreciatively. "Nice eye, Stinson."

"You want me to reel him in for ya?" Barney asked with a twinkle in his eye.

"Let's decide on your target first?" She looked around her. "Although pickings are pretty slim in here tonight."

"Meh," he shrugged, knocking back his scotch. He stuck a thumb over his shoulder without even looking, pointing at a criminally young bimbo in a revealing dress.

"So, you still think you can hit that? You really think she'll go for a fourty-year-old?"

He coughed. "Thirty-nine." Then he winked at her. "And believe me, you are five times hotter than she is and you regularly have sex with me.

Robin actually found herself blushing.

"So, totally hot leather jacket guy…?"

"He's not my type," she blurted.

He looked surprised. "No way."

"Way. I'd rather screw you in a bathroom stall than take him home."

Barney's face lit up and the years fell away. For a moment, he looked exactly the same as he had on the night when she first met him. But instead of dragging her off to the restroom, he got out his cell-phone.

"Who are you calling?" She asked.

"James. He said this would happen one day."

"What?"

"That you'd fall in love with me!"

Robin laughed and leaned forward, kissing him softly on the lips. "I did that years ago, you idiot…"


End file.
